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By William Smith, CCEF Adjunct Faculty
What You Need to Know
Dinner is late again, and the living room looks like a failed disaster
relief effort. You ask your son to put away his part of the mess, but he
ignores you. You turn the TV off; he gives you a surly look. You say,
"Don't ignore me, and get that look off your face!" He mimics you under
his breath and doesn't move. Your face flushes, and you say, "I'm not
going to stand for disrespect in my own home, and you'd better move fast
if you want dinner!"
He gets up slowly and mutters, "Whatever." Without thinking, you reach
out and slap him. He stands speechless-surprise, anger, and embarrassment
running across his face. Suddenly, he's respectful and listening to you!
You're surprised, yet secretly delighted. It worked! Easy, quick, and
effective! Who could ask for anything more?
Your conscience could…and it is. A small nagging voice in the back of your
mind isn't letting you walk to the kitchen feeling guilt-free and good
about yourself. You sense that what you did-even though it seemed to
"work"-wasn't right. That's good. Your unsettled feeling means your
conscience is still alive.
Why We Lose Control
This story might not fit you exactly. Maybe you never slapped your child.
But haven't there been times when your child pushed all your buttons, and
you said and did things that later bothered your conscience? Why is your
conscience uneasy? Weren't you just correcting your child's bad behavior?
You are troubled because you lost control with your child. Why did you?
What was going on in your heart that made your child's actions so
infuriating?
You lost control because, whether you've thought about it consciously or
not, your child was not fulfilling your desires. We need to look more
closely at those desires. To do so, consider these questions:
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When you lose control because your child is disrespectful (or
disobedient, or ungrateful, or anything else that annoys you), whose
agenda for your child has become most important? Yours? Or God's?
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When you lose control are you most concerned with your child obeying
God's will or your will?
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Whose desires (for peace and quiet, comfort, respect, obedience, etc.)
are most important at the moment you are losing control?
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When your child disobeys you in front of others, are you most
concerned for God's reputation or your own?
When your agenda, your will, your desires,
and your reputation become more important than God's, that's a
sign you are trying to be your child's god. That's right. Whether you
thought about it or not, you want your child to treat you like God.
It's easy, as a parent, to confuse your agenda with God's agenda. God
does think that respect, obedience, and gratitude are important. And God
does call parents to hold their children accountable and to discipline
them. But there is a bigger picture. Since God tells your child to respect
you, isn't your child really disrespecting God (since he's ignoring God's
commands) more than he is you? When you struck your son (or yelled at him,
insulted him, pushed him, or knocked him down), were you thinking about
your son's disrespect toward Jesus? If not, then the way you treated him
was more about how he ignored your demands than it was about his violation
of God's commands.
Besides respect, there are plenty of other things we want from our
children. Some of us want easy, comfortable lives, and our children take
more effort and parenting than we want to give. Others of us want grateful
children, who appreciate all we do for them. Maybe you want your children
to excel and be the best they can at everything they do. Or perhaps you
only want your children to stay safe and not do foolish things that will
ruin their lives. You have your own list of things you want from your
child. The list of things we want for and from our children is as
individual as we are.
Your desire for any of these good things-respect, comfort, gratitude,
excellence, safety-can turn into an ungodly demand when you decide you
must have it from your child, or else! Parenting, as with every area of
life, can tempt us to focus on obtaining some good part of creation
instead of worshipping the Creator. (See Rom. 1:25.) You can tell when
your desire for your child's good behavior has turned into an ungodly
demand by the way you react when she does something wrong. When our
demands control us and are not met, we become angry and often lose
control.
The Consequence of Trying to be God: Ruined Relationships
When we set our hearts on loving what God has given us more than we love
him, we are rejecting God and making ourselves into gods. When we make
ourselves the center of the world and look for meaning, purpose, and
direction in people instead of in him, we end up with ruined
relationships. (See Rom. 1:29-31.)
How does this happen? When you lose control with your children, you are
communicating to them that their priority is to wrap themselves around
you. They must give you what you want or pay the consequences. You are,
in reality, demanding their worship. Instead of teaching them to live
according to every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God
(Matthew 4:4), you are teaching them to live according to every word
that proceeds out of your mouth.
Such a warped world only works as long as your threat of anger and
punishment is big enough to suppress your children's resistance. Sure, you
can motivate with fear. People do listen and change their behavior when
threatened, but only because they want to avoid the consequences, not
because they desire to love and honor those in charge.
Consider what happens in a police state. Nearly everyone tows the line;
only a few transgress the rules. But people are obedient-not out of
loyalty and love for their country-but because they don't want to be
punished. They are only biding their time until they can get rid of their
oppressors.
Families work in similar ways. Children's hearts are not won by force.
When your children are physically, emotionally, and socially mature, their
true nature and attitude toward you will come out. You have taught them
that their relationship with you is not built on Christ and his ways, but
on you and your rules. When they reject your rules, it is likely they will
also reject you-and you will be left without a relationship with your
child.
What You Need to Do
Admit to God that your biggest problem is not your child's actions
and attitude, but the desires that control you. Ask the Spirit of
God (the one who convicts us of sin) to show you the "log in your own eye."
What is so important to you that you are willing to harm your child to get
it? You can't discipline your child effectively unless you start by seeing
your own sins. If you need help in this area ask godly friends, or even
your children, to tell you where they see sin in your life. Meditate on
Matthew 7:1-5.
Ask for forgiveness. Ask Jesus to forgive you for loving
what he has created more than you love him. And-this may be hard-ask your
child to forgive you. (See Matthew 5:23.) Be specific with your child, so
he knows exactly what you need to be forgiven for. You might not get a
great response, but asking for forgiveness is extremely important. This
will be the beginning of a new relationship with your child.
Open your life to God's people. The body of Christ helps
all of us grow. (See Galatians 6:1-2; 1 Thessalonians 5:11.) Tell your
spouse and your close friends what you've done. Ask your pastor, elders,
or deacons for their advice and help. Accountability to others safeguards
your child and helps you to stay in control with your child.
Make plans for the future. Refuse to let yourself
spontaneously strike or yell at your child. You practice self-control with
adults who sin against you; you can learn self-control with your child
too.
Take a mutual time-out. Say to her, "Sit there and think about what you
did while I go and pray for wisdom. I will come back and deal with this,
but right now I need to ask Jesus to help me know what to do."
Realize that you're not ready to speak or act until you understand how to
direct your child to Jesus. You may need to call somebody for their advice
before you deal with your child. That's okay. Give yourself time to think
carefully before acting. Taking the time to consider how God wants you to
handle disciplining your child will defuse your ungodly anger and make it
possible for you to lead your child to Jesus.
Set positive goals. Don't just pay attention to your
child when he is doing something wrong. Discuss what is going on in his
heart when he is acting badly. Look for Bible verses together that address
those heart issues, and memorize those verses with him. Role play with him
so he knows what godly behavior looks and sounds like. Let him know in
advance what the consequences will be if he misbehaves, and encourage him
as you see him take fumbling, halting steps in the right direction.
Perhaps you are realizing that what you thought was godly discipline was
really just you demanding your child's worship. Don't become hopeless
about your parenting. Remember that "if we confess our sins, he is
faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all
unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). We are forgiven and clean because of Jesus'
death on the cross, and his resurrection is our guarantee that we can live
a new life of worship. As you ask Jesus for help every day, he will make
you into a parent who teaches your children to love and worship God.
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