How can I respond to criticism in marriage?

David Powlison discusses how to respond to criticism in marriage.

This is one of those rare topics that it's so nice to be the expert and always do it right. Being criticized in marriage is one of those things that makes you have to do the hard reckoning with yourself. And I'd say the first part of that is being brutal with oneself. What are my tendencies? What are my sinful tendencies? The old classic fight flight fright are, they're not just categories to describe raccoons in your garage. There are categories that describe sinful human beings when they're criticized by their spouse. And do I fight back? Do I just bail and go into some escapism? Do I freeze in fear of conflict? Do I do all of the above in rapid oscillation?

I think probably most of us can see some tendency to some of all three of those I know I can certainly see all three as instinctive, sinful tendencies in myself. So the hard reckoning, what the hard reckoning does is it immediately takes the major focus off of what you might be saying to me. And whether it's true or false, partly true, but partly false, partly true, but really exaggerated, true, but with a really bad attitude, true with a constructive attitude. That's the easiest kind of criticism to hear. But we don't, it doesn't always come out that way in the rough and tumble of life. But if I'm able to start with who I am, how I respond to criticism, it creates heart searching. I need God's mercy and grace. I need him to forgive me. I need him to change me.

It's not like being criticized to just drive, not just from a spouse, I mean from a friend, from a person in your church, from a parishioner, from some idiot on the internet. I mean, there's not that criticism to make. You have to grapple with yourself and to find the grace of God because Christ who was reviled, the only man who deserved no reviling, came on a mission of redemption. So finding mercy starts to get me to be a man moving towards redemption, and it creates some really interesting, powerful, profound changes in how I react. One is I can listen. Is it true or is there a grain of truth that maybe in the volatility of the moment, my wife or husband is saying it in a way that's not necessarily totally constructive, but what they're saying is right. There's a wonderful proverb, Proverbs 9:8 and 9, I think, where the wise man actually listens to criticism, grows through it, learns from it, learns from rebuke. So I become able to stave off those initial sinful, defensive, proud, escapist reactions and actually, listen, is there something I need to take to heart here? I become able to listen and hear what my wife or husband is saying that's about them and not about me. Perhaps the criticism is not fully, it may not be entirely warranted by me. Maybe my spouse has misunderstood me, but it's saying something about them and maybe they're hurting. They had a hard day that maybe a husband comes home and he's criticizing his wife or some petty little thing, and turns out that he just got back stabbed in his workplace and he's just so blown away by it. He can hardly see straight and he's picking on his wife, and for her to be able to deal with her reactions and then respond constructively, she may open up a huge door for him in terms of what's really going on with him.

So I become able to listen. I learn things about myself, learn things about my spouse, and I also then learn these absolutely marvelous. I can start to learn these absolutely marvelous things that very end of James 3. It talks about these qualities of peaceable, and it's open to reason. It makes good sense. It's peaceful, it's pure. There's a goodness to the way I speak, and instead of just reacting, sinfully that call to actually speak, words that bring peace, soothing words, gentle words, constructive words, insightful words. I love the particular part there of James 3:17 that talks about being impartial. It's a quality that is one of the ways I think about it is to be impartial, is being able to talk about my own failings without defensiveness and self-righteousness, and also without self-loathing. And it's all my fault. I'm such a horrible person. So neither self-loathing nor defensiveness and pride, and I'm able to talk about your failings without accusation and condemnation. It's a way that we can talk together about what just went wrong. And boy, it is a gift to live for and die for. It's a form

Of wisdom that God is very committed to give us. It's very hard earned. You only learn it by failing and then being picked up by the grace of God who gives more grace, as James goes on to say. And then learning to be peaceable and responding in a constructive manner to criticism a prime glorious fruit of the Holy Spirit.