How can I come alongside my child who has autism?

It is important to say upfront that the manifestations and experiences of autism are variable. This is why we now use the term autism spectrum disorder. Some children diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder are nonverbal and cognitively impaired. Others have good language capabilities and a normal or high IQ. But all on the spectrum will struggle in several arenas, including problems with social interactions and communication, as well as having restricted and repetitive behaviors, interests, and activities. Now, the specific manifestations of these main features will vary from individual to individual, and for the purposes of this video, I'll focus mainly on children who have acquired language and do not have intellectual impairment.

So I think a first step is to know your child. My experience of parents who have children with developmental disabilities is that they have done thorough research on their child's condition, and they know the particulars when it comes to their own child. This is an outgrowth of love and is why parents can be such good advocates for their children in various settings.

Well, what else is important? Viewing your child through a biblical lens. While you may struggle to fully understand many aspects of your child's autism, you can be sure that your child is a body-soul image bearer of the living God. He or she is created in the image of God, and starting with a biblical view of their personhood is key. Children on the autistic spectrum have a spiritual nature as well as bodily weaknesses. This is true for all of us. Recognizing both aspects of your child's personhood keeps you from going to extremes in relating to him. For example, we don't want to ignore the brain-based aspects of autism and focus solely on spiritual and sin issues, nor do we want to overemphasize the physical component and downplay their responsibility before God and others.

Instead, we want to make biblically wise distinctions between sin issues—that's the realm of the heart—and bodily or brain-based issues and weaknesses. This body-soul duality is the common ground between those with and without autism. We all have unique brain-based strengths and weaknesses, and we all are called to live out our lives before God in service to him and others. As a parent, you will seek to serve your child as a whole person, body and soul, doing all that you can to minimize their weaknesses, to capitalize on their strengths, and to point them to Jesus. So let me give you a few suggestions as you come alongside your child.

First, notice and celebrate your child's strengths, whether they be unique insights, passionate knowledge of particular subjects, the ability to think visually and systematically, or a quirky sense of humor. The apostle Paul speaks in 1 Corinthians 12 that each member of the body is indispensable. So you should expect to learn many things from your child as well.

Second, try to step into their shoes as much as you can, to experience the world as they do. You will likely hear things from them like, “I get overwhelmed in larger groups,” or “I tend to see the parts, not the whole,” or “I misread what people are thinking and feeling all the time,” or “it's hard to change gears in the moment.” Notice that none of these experiences necessarily suggest sin in your child's actions or motives. Recognizing these tendencies helps you to be more patient and compassionate. Things that you may take for granted, like reading body language or being flexible as a given situation dictates, your child may find extremely difficult. Also, remember that not everything socially odd in your child is sinful. No doubt, children benefit from specific training to improve their social awareness and interpersonal skills. We want them to grow in looking not only to their own interests, but also to the interests of others, as Paul puts it in Philippians 2:4. At the same time, those who are so-called neurotypicals should not jump to conclusions about what is sin and what is not. Our tendency may be to shade the truth a bit to protect our reputation or to tell someone what she wants to hear to avoid a conflict. So while we may be uncomfortable with a child's unfiltered and honest comment, we need to realize that our own filters may actually have a sinful motivation at times.

Third, be aware of how sensory stimulation in the environment may be affecting your child. It’s challenging enough for children on the autistic spectrum to respond to the multitude of verbal and nonverbal cues in their environment. They may also have struggles with sensory and auditory integration. A child with autism may react strongly to touch or smells or sounds or tastes or sights that wouldn't affect the typical person. They may be distracted by an air conditioner's fan and may totally miss you asking them to do something. So it's helpful to consider if there are any environmental distractions that may make it harder for your child to listen to you.

I think it's also important for parents to use simple, clear, concise directions when talking with their children. So avoiding vague language and words like “perhaps” or “maybe later” in response to your child's questions.

And then lastly, the most critical way you come alongside your child on the autism spectrum is to shepherd their hearts toward Christ. You are called to testify before them to the gospel of God's grace, to use Paul's phrase from Acts 20:24. And while targeting the heart, it certainly involves addressing sinful behavior, it's much more than that. It includes teaching, instruction, encouragement, and speaking often about the wonders of how God has redeemed us through Jesus. This heart oriented ministry is no doubt more challenging in a child with significant limitations in language and communication and social difficulties. The way you appeal to your child's conscience will need to be developmentally appropriate, but you can be sure that their conscience is active because they are an image bearer of God. So ask your Father in heaven to give you wisdom about which parental expectations your child is able to handle well at this particular point in time.

I'll close with this: amid your parenting joys and challenges, victories and setbacks, make it a priority to confide in a few close friends who can pray for you and walk alongside you as you walk alongside your child. You need people who will both rejoice and weep with you, who will point you to Jesus as you seek to honor him in parenting the child he has given you.