How would you encourage women struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety?

If you are struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, I first just want to say to you, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. One of the most painful seasons of my life was when I struggled with postpartum issues and it was an absolute nightmare, and people don't talk about it enough, how hard it can be. It's hard to talk about it. So I thank you for writing in and submitting this question and creating this space for you and other moms to receive some encouragement. If you are currently struggling through postpartum mental health struggles, I want to first encourage you by saying this is a season. It's a hard season, but it is a season and seasons do change and you can get through this season. So here are some tools to think about how to get through it.

First, I want you to tell someone that you're struggling. It might be hard to talk about it because there is so much guilt and shame you probably feel for struggling this way. Why? Because you have a beautiful baby. Shouldn't you be happy? And in a sense, yes, of course you should be happy. And so when you don't feel happy or you don't feel the way that you would hope to feel after having a beautiful baby, then you feel so guilty. But these feelings of postpartum depression or anxiety have nothing to do with your baby. They have nothing to do with the kind of mom you are. If you are struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, it's helpful to remember something mysterious is happening. It's physiological, it's hormonal. Your changes in a normal sleep schedule are likely impacting you, but you are not struggling because you're a bad mom. And it's not because you've done something wrong.

You've probably had a condemning thought that goes something like, “My baby deserves a happy mom.” And yes, your baby does deserve a happy mom, but it's not your fault that you're not happy. So don't internalize what is happening. Instead, I want you to practice rejecting that guilt and rejecting that shame. It's not your fault and it doesn't indicate that you have failed as a mom. Please receive that and please practice rejecting those self-condemning thoughts. You have not failed. But feelings of guilt and shame can keep you in hiding, right? You don't want to tell people how you feel because people don't expect a new mom who has the blessing of a baby to feel bad. But the truth is that a significant percentage of moms do struggle with this. You're not alone. It's not just you. It was me too, and I needed support. You need support. So I want you to get support. I want you to talk to some trusted individuals. You're going to be choosy about who, because you're vulnerable and feeling raw right now, and that's okay.

For me when I was struggling, I only told a few select people. Looking back, I do see that this took courage because again, I felt so guilty and ashamed for struggling the way that I was, and yet I needed help. And you need help. And more than that, you deserve help. You deserve help. And so identify those trusted people and tell them what's going on. Tell them how you're struggling. And when you do, ask for practical help. Be concrete about what you need and don't feel bad for doing it. For me, one of the people that I ended up telling was our pastor who arranged for his wife to support me by coming over in the afternoons when my husband was at work. That time of day, for whatever reason, was particularly hard for me during that season of my postpartum struggles. And so I had the support of having someone in the house with me and my baby, someone to talk to and keep my mind in a better place than it would tend to go if I was by myself. So that's just one example of concrete help I got. But do think concretely about what kind of support could help and then ask for it. Why? Because you deserve help, because you're hurting. And this is hard, and I don't want you to suffer alone.

And I also must say at this point that if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby, then please reach out to someone today. Do not delay. We have included here a hotline number for you to call if there's no one else that you can talk to today (suicide & crisis lifeline: dial 988). You could reach out to your doctor and let him or her know that you are struggling with thoughts of self-harm, and they will know how to help you and keep you and your baby safe, and also can provide you with a referral for counseling. Thoughts of self-harm or harming your baby can happen. It can be a feature of postpartum mental health struggle, and it is always, always a time to tell someone and to get help. Don't delay if that is you.

Now, another thing I want to ask you to do that will provide you encouragement in an ongoing way is to find some simple verse or truth from the Bible that you will go to day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute whenever you need it. For me, during my season of postpartum issues, I listened a lot to worship music. Why? Because it got my mind away from my mind, right? It gave me something else to think about and to focus on, something that was good news. And the good news that I clung to was that this experience I was having was not the end. When Jesus comes for me and brings me to heaven, postpartum struggles would not be there. Remember earlier I said, this is a season and seasons change. And that was part of what comforted me during this time, is that I knew that this horrible suffering would end. I didn't know when it was going to end, and believe me, that was hard. But I knew that because of what God had done for me in Christ, because this world is not my home, because Jesus even now is preparing a place for me in my heavenly home where sin and brokenness and death can't ever come in, because of all these precious promises, I knew this season would end, and I clung to that hope, and I clung to that good news. I did also have to wrestle with the fact that my struggles might not end in this life.

Thankfully they did. But at the time, I didn't know if they would. But I did do what I could to get them to end. I got support. I talked to a counselor. Hormones changed. And by some combination of all of that, the season did end. But when I was in the thick of it, I didn't know when it would end. And so I clung to the eternal hope that this misery would end someday. And that was a guarantee that God had promised me in Christ, and it helped me to make it through difficult moments. I wanted it to end immediately, of course. I wanted it never to have happened, and I still feel that way. I wish it hadn't happened. But when I was in the midst of it, I knew that it wasn't going to last forever. And somehow God gave me hope through that.

I don't know if that sounds good to you, and it's okay if it doesn't, but find something that does give you hope. Ask God to give you some simple truth or remind you of a promise that he's made to you that speaks to this misery that you're currently enduring. And you cling to that, and let that be a source of life to you. Write it down. Put it on your walls. Ask the people who know to speak it to you. Come to it as often as you need to. And for the times you are too weak to cling to it, I pray that the Spirit reminds you that he is clinging to you and he won't let you go.