What are some biblical principles to consider for disciplining my children?

Let me start out with this statement about discipline: We care, as Christians, about discipline because God cares about discipline. We practice discipline with our children because God practices discipline with us. So discipline is good and it is for good. Just two passages where this is highlighted. Proverbs 13:24, the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them. And then Hebrews 12 in two different places in that chapter, the Lord disciplines the ones he loves, and discipline produces a harvest of righteousness. With this in mind, I'll highlight three principles to consider as we discipline our children.

First, our discipline should be secondary to the godly formation of our children. Discipline is important, but it means very little if it's disconnected from the foundation of godly formation. So the active work of forming a godly identity, forming godly character, forming a godly motivation. Let's take Proverbs 22:6, train up a child in the way they should go, and they will not stray from it. Think about formation as the path that we are training our children up in the way that they should go. It is how we direct our children. We direct them on the path of formation, and then in light of that, discipline is the redirecting and the correcting when they stray from that path. So for discipline to be effective, ultimately there has to be something that we are redirecting them back to. There has to be a path that we have laid before them to start with, and this is God's way with us. His primary work in our lives is to set us on the path of righteousness and to direct us in the way of love and holiness. His discipline then is this redirecting us back to the righteous path. So the disciplining of our children should be secondary to the forming of our children.

Second principle here, discipline should be individualized, not manualized. So there is not a one-size-fits-all type of model for disciplining our kids. It needs to be child-specific and it needs to be flexible. For example, for some children, an admonishing look or even a concerned conversation is all the correction that they need. Whereas for another child, they need a spanking. They need the removal of privileges or maybe some other severe consequences. And 1 Thessalonians 5:14 is just a great example of how Paul, in his pastoral care of the Thessalonian church, makes his care individualized and not manualized. He says this: “And we urge you brothers, admonish the idol, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, and be patient with them all.” There is flexibility, and there is accommodation to what each individual needs. So godly and wise discipline requires us to be students of our children and to know how their hearts and their minds work. And then in light of that, how they need to be corrected. Discipline should be individualized, not manualized.

And then finally, a third principle: disciplining our children is really as much about us as it is about them. It's as much about our hearts as it is about their hearts. So we are faced with these questions: Who will I be as I discipline my children? How will I act? How will I handle their mistakes and their failure and their sin? Do I embody and offer the same grace that God offers me? Psalm 103:10 tells us that God does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. Is that the way that we're going to treat our children when we discipline them? That is the calling that's in front of us. So the discipline of our children is as much about us as it is about them.

Going back to our first statement, we care about discipline because God cares about discipline. So long as we're committed to reflecting the Heavenly Father in the disciplining of our children, we will not stray far from what is good and wise and loving.