How do I build a more meaningful and healthy relationship with my teenager?

I’ll begin by highlighting that any relationship that qualifies as meaningful will be a two-way street. This is true for all relationships, including with our children. If one person is hardhearted, indifferent, or uninterested, it's going to be hard to develop a meaningful relationship. However, even though we can’t do the work for the other person, we can absolutely do our part to be the type of person in which a meaningful relationship would more naturally occur.

So then, in terms of doing our part as parents, I would say that there are three main building blocks that foster a meaningful relationship with our teenager: safety, predictability, and curiosity. A meaningful relationship is more likely when all three of these ingredients are present on the part of the parent.

The first ingredient is safety. Proverbs 3:27–28 tells us not to withhold the good that is due someone. And this obviously includes things like shelter and sustenance, but I’m thinking in particular of intellectual safety, emotional safety, and spiritual safety and how those things impact the quality of the relationship. For example, do we respond to our teenager’s differences, doubts, and failures with shaming or disapproval or harshness? Or do we invite questions? Do we normalize struggle and failure? Do we make room for differences? And then within reason, do we allow for the exploration of ideas and the expression of doubts? Do we provide a space for them to be an immature, developing, and in-process teenager who is trying to figure life out? This is the safety that we can provide for our children that contributes to a meaningful relationship.

The second building block is predictability. Predictability is so important because a meaningful relationship needs some degree of stability and consistency. Listen to Proverbs 25:19: "Trusting in an unreliable man in time of trouble is like a bad tooth or a foot that slips." It warns against the unreliable person and it emphasizes how detrimental unpredictability is to a relationship. For example, as a parent, do I follow through with what I say I’m going to do? Do I keep my promises? Is my discipline or are my rules consistent, or are they erratic and impulsive? Am I emotionally, spiritually, and physically available when my teenager needs me?

For the parent, this second building block of a meaningful relationship really emphasizes the responsibility of the parent in the parent-teenager relationship. It emphasizes the importance for the parent to set the pace, to develop the expectations, and to create stability.

The final building block is curiosity. Curiosity is so significant because it captures the essence of caring about the uniqueness of your teenager and your wanting to know who they are. Curiosity demonstrates a delight in who they are and the way that they work and an acceptance of their hobbies and their interests. Curiosity communicates to your teenager, “You are interesting. I want to learn about you. I want to do things with you, and I like being around you.”

So while these building blocks are simple, embodying them and living them out is easier said than done. And I would guess that most of us have work to do in these areas. However, the goal is not to do this perfectly. The goal is to do our best to infuse these characteristics into our relationship with our teenager.

And even if you’re starting from scratch with these building blocks, take heart: built into the Christian life is redemption and hope and the possibility of flourishing. Our God is a God of redemption, repair, and resurrection. Psalm 130:7 highlights this: “With our God there is steadfast love and plentiful redemption.”

So instead of being sidetracked or sidelined by regrets and guilt and shame, today, start practicing these building blocks of safety, predictability, and curiosity. Even if you are starting from scratch, God will give you the grace to begin building a meaningful relationship with your teenager.