How do I let people in after being hurt by others in the past?

As a young girl, my family moved from Chicago to New Jersey. A few weeks after our move, I remember getting a letter from a very close friend. In it, she said something that deeply hurt me. Someone I enjoyed and believed was a good friend sent me a letter that left me hurting—reeling actually. I can still remember where I was when I was reading that letter. And having just moved to a new area, I was in the position of having to make a bunch of new friends and now found it difficult to trust people I didn't know when someone I thought I knew well had hurt me deeply. The hurt I experienced made me reluctant to seek out new friends. I think this is true of many people I counsel; when someone deeply hurts them, they struggle to let the next friend in. Rejection. Betrayal. All of that is very painful and deeply personal. The closer the person is who caused the pain, the more damage that's going to do, and the more fear that that’s going to cause when we think about connecting to other people. 

So first, I want to start off by encouraging those of you who wrestle with this question: I have been deeply hurt by someone, and now I'm struggling to let somebody else in. My first encouragement would be that you have an important insight into where you're struggling. You see this connection—your current relationships do not have the depth you desire because of the pain you experienced in your past is causing you to hesitate, or to keep others at a safe distance. This insight allows you to talk to the Lord about it. You can tell him how badly you're hurting and what you fear might happen in the next friendship. This insight is actually really critical, and the fact that you have it benefits you because you know what your barriers are to creating flourishing friendships. It lets you talk to God directly about where you are stuck.

I'd also want to encourage you that since you're asking this question, you see that God designed you in such a way to need other people, to be part of the body of Christ, to have people close to you, people who really know you, who love you, who can pray for you, encourage you, and steer you when you are stumbling. Because you know that friendships are an important part of living out gospel-centered lives, you are probably committed to overcoming your fears and anxieties. Or at least motivated to try. You want to push past them and create friendships where people know you and your heart. And yet, being known makes you vulnerable. If someone has hurt you, you understand your vulnerability—perhaps excruciatingly so. And this is where I think the Lord invites us to lean into wisdom. God does not require that we share vulnerably and deeply with everyone. He wants us to be wise and discerning, to find people and discern whether they are trustworthy. Trust is earned. Relationships are built. Intimacy can only happen in relationships where people feel safe. Sometimes, it’s going to take us time to discern who we should share our lives and hearts with. When I am among a group of women, and I hear another woman talking poorly about one of her sisters in Christ, I am learning something about her. I am learning that she is not trustworthy, that she is willing speak poorly about a sister and break confidences. She is not someone I'm going to trust with the finer things in my life. And when I see someone in that conversation redirect her or confront her gently, I am watching someone wise and loving. She's going to be someone that I’m going to want to get to know. So in one sense, I am saying when you're in community, be looking to find the qualities in other people that you desire to have in your friends.

I think the Beatitudes give us a great list of qualities in people to be looking for. Ultimately, the Beatitudes describe Jesus. But they are characteristics that the Lord calls for us to cultivate in our own hearts. So here, from the Beatitudes, are a few qualities of people that would cause you to move towards them. People who show their need for Jesus, people who enter into the suffering of others gently, possessing humility or a hunger and thirst for righteousness. People who show mercy and are pure in heart. People who seek peace and are willing to suffer for the gospel. That person has kingdom priorities and is growing in kingdom love. This is the type of friend I want and the type of friend I want to be. 

Just as we're looking at this list, it is long, and in reality, no one other than Jesus embodies them perfectly. You and I are in progress. We are not doing these things consistently, so I'm not suggesting that you use them as a rigid standard to rule out potential friendships, but a list of things we might catch people doing. We see some of these qualities in another person, and we pray and ask the Lord for discernment. We move towards them and share little bits of our lives with them to see if trust and friendships can be built. And as you're going through this process of discernment, you're praying for yourself to grow in these areas too. You're praying for potential friends and family to grow in these areas. You're asking the Lord to protect you, to make you wise, to provide you with deep fellowship, to heal you when you are hurting and when you are hurt again. 

So, as you are looking for friends, your friendship with the Lord is strengthening and deepening, and that's only going to help you be more resilient in future relationships. It's going to help you be vulnerable when there's the potential for hurt. Jesus’s love and care for us are the only things that make us brave enough to be known by other people. We are fully loved by him. And when we feel fully loved by him, we are better able to bear the wounds that others impart to us. We are freer to take risks. We are more confident in our ability to discern who is trustworthy. The more we learn about Jesus and his qualities, the more fully able we will be to entrust our hearts and friendships to him.