My spouse has OCD and it’s very difficult for me. What do I do?

I think difficulty may be experienced in a number of ways in a situation like this. For one thing, we suffer when we see those we love suffering greatly. You see your spouse’s struggle up close, and you hurt for them. You may be perplexed by their struggle—it doesn’t make sense to you. Why does their mind work like this? You may feel powerless to help, which adds to the difficulty.

Secondly, you may be directly impacted by your spouse’s obsessive-compulsive cycle and drawn into their patterns of compulsive checking and reassurance. For example, let’s say you’re driving on the way to church with your husband who struggles with OCD. You hit a bump in the road. A few seconds later your husband says, “I’m concerned that I might have hit someone.” You say, “That was a pothole.” But a hundred yards later your husband pulls into a side street and turns the car around. “I just need to be sure, or I won’t be able to concentrate during church,” is what he says. You try to reassure him, “It was only a pothole, there were no pedestrians or bikers around.” But it doesn’t help. You drive by the place where you felt the bump. There’s no one around. Your husband turns the car around to resume the drive back to church. And as you pass by the place again, he slows the car and pulls off. “Let me just quickly check the ditch here, just to make certain no one is lying there,” he says. Well that can feel exasperating, and it’s compounded by the fact that you’re now 15 minutes late for church. Your explanations don’t seem to matter. Your reassurances fall on deaf ears. So this is hard on a marriage.

Thirdly, it can also be difficult because even if you’re not drawn into the specifics of an obsessive-compulsive cycle, the OCD sufferer is often turned inward in their focus and may not be attentive to your needs relationally. This too can cause a great deal of hurt and conflict. You may also find that you’re having to pick up more slack around the home given the inordinate amount of time your spouse is wrestling with his obsessive thinking and his rituals.

And then finally, it can be difficult because you see the way you’re responding to your spouse is sinful. You lose your patience. You yell. You roll your eyes. You threaten. You may grow resentful. And so on. It’s humbling, and you’re discouraged by your own responses in the midst of this trial.

So, what do you do? What can you do?

First, repent when you need to repent, and ask God to help you respond to your spouse in ways that honor Christ. Don’t let discouragement over your own sinful responses linger. As Psalm 130:7 says, “With the LORD there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption.”

Secondly, pray for your spouse. That may seem like a no-brainer, but I think we struggle to do it because it means exercising faith and hope that God is active and will actually provide help in his timing. That may feel riskier than just giving up and being resigned to the way things are. And praying may feel more risky than trying to fix the situation yourself. Prayer requires trust that God sees and that his Spirit is active even if it feels like not much is changing. So pray for your spouse rather than trying to fix your spouse. Cry out to the Lord on his behalf when you’re alone. Pray for God to rescue your spouse from the slavery and oppressiveness of needing to be certain, of needing to be absolutely safe. Ask that the Lord would be his refuge. And when you’re riding in the car and a situation like I described comes up, pray for him aloud, “Our Father, please help my husband trust you in the midst of his overwhelming anxiety and fear. Help him now to push past this intrusive thought and refrain from checking so that we can get to church on time to worship you. Help him to know your presence now. Be his refuge. Amen.”

And then I think it’s important to involve others to pray and to bring godly counsel. You want to encourage your spouse to get help from someone who is experienced in addressing OCD. This is too big for the two of you. Let someone else guide and direct your spouse so that you can play a supportive role.

What you will learn is that love does not mean aiding and abetting the obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior. You will ultimately be loving your spouse as you minimize accommodation and reassurance. Why? Because acquiescing to the anxiety associated with the obsessive thoughts and doubts only feeds the cycle. This is a difficult situation. But you can be sure that God intends that both you and your spouse grow through this trial.